Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My Stalker

I think this man is stalking me:



OK, maybe he's not actually stalking me per se, but I do keep running into him in the grocery store. If you're a fan of The Sopranos, you can understand how this would be a little surreal. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here to get up to speed.

So yesterday, Vito's at my grocery store again. Why is he always following me around the produce section?? OK, not "following me" exactly but, you know, in the same vicinity. As we're in the checkout line, some *crazy* man starts yelling, "It's the gay Soprano! It's the gay Soprano!"

You see, my "stalker," who's actually a very nice man and an excellent actor, played a mobster in the HBO series The Sopranos, and his character happened to be gay. And now, while in the grocery store with his adorable baby daughter, real-life Vito's got some crazy man yelling at him. I kept my distance (because who knew what the crazy, yelling man might have done?), so I couldn't hear everything that was said. But Vito dealt with the situation beautifully. I was so proud of my stalker.

I really shouldn't be joking about stalkers, because I actually have a bona fide stalker who is currently serving time in prison. (Unfortunately, I'm totally serious.) I don't want to disclose too many details, for fear he might find my blog and recommence his INSANE stalking behavior; however, I will say that he was considerate enough to mail me his semen from prison. Because, you know, he's a giver.

This created quite a stir in my office at the time, as the Haz-Mat team had to be called in to evacuate the scene and contain the "biohazard." Totally mortifying.

I am sure I'm not the only woman who's ever dealt with a crazy man. Do you have any stalker stories? (I know a few of you have some humdingers - Aunt Becky, I'm talkin' to you.) Any ex-boyfriends who went a little overboard? What about celebrity sightings?

Please share!! I need some good laughs today.

**Edited to add: Aunt Becky inquired how my stalker packaged his semen for my "care package." He was quite creative, actually. He sent me a pile of paperwork, stapled in the upper left corner. But, instead of one staple, there was a circle of staples (about 12 or 13). When the staples were removed, we discovered he had created a "pocket" for his "special sauce." Pretty sneaky, huh?



49 comments:

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I am a huge fan of the Soprano's....have seen every episode....more than once I might add! I had one Soprano sighting in NYC.....Janice's husband Bobby B!

Your stalker story is crazy......I would have been scared out of my mind! I had 2 people who stalked me.....totally harmless in comparison to your story......basically guys who just didn't get the hint!

Girl....you lead an interesting life.....and you totally crack me up!

Lisa

Aunt Becky said...

Oh.My.God.

Semen? How'd he package it?

Aunt Becky said...

THAT SPECIAL POCKET IS THE MOST HORRIFYING THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF.

I may need to bathe in bleach to get that image out of my mind.

SAHW said...

Omg...that is scary and sick!! Thankfully I haven't had any experiences like that...I'm sorry you have!

Mama's Losin' It said...

Ugh. I get semen in the mail ALL THE TIME!!! I hate that.

Psycho.

And I love your comment about Bobbie turning so the camera caught the tear. SO true. He totally orchestrated that one...and gave DeAnna just one more reason why he wasn't a good match for her. As if she needed one.

perchancetodream said...

No stalker stories...just wishes for the best of luck tomorrow!

Wordgirl said...

I actually have a mild stalker tale.

I was teaching about eight years ago -- and I was in my late 20's then. I teach college students so it was interesting to see how the rapport developed -- I wasn't always terrific at 'boundaries' in the sense that we'd have casual chit-chat before class - always appropriate mind you -- but one day I was asking the class whether or not I should teach summer school -- teachers not being paid well -- but then there's the trade off of time etc. I had one man, a former bartender and bouncer -- 6' 3" -- big, shaved blonde hair -- say " I know something you can do at night to make a lot of money" -- and it was clear what he meant. I gave him a withering look, started class, and moved on.

He started hanging out in the library outside my office all of the time -- lurking there -- did his annotated bibliography on the 'lessening of sexual inhibitions when drunk' -- or tried to -- came up to me with clever little disgusting questions all wrapped up in the guise of 'research.'

Good times. good times. Oh and my dean? "I've had women undress in my office -- it's just something you have to learn how to handle.

Lovely.

Heather said...

Oh yes! I've been stalked before. Once in high school by an old boyfriend (he'd drive by my house a lot and call my house and then not say anything) and again in college (study partner who went psycho).

Your story is still more interesting (and scary) than mine.

Mama's Losin' It said...

I'm officially adding you to my blog roll. You're funny and when I saw you're on an adoption journey I just knew we were meant to be. I have three kids, but I've always talked about adopting...I just need to get my husband on board.

Good luck with your fertility treatment!!!

Solitaire said...

Umm, yeah, the "special sauce" in the mail is pretty...special. Ugh. Hey, at least he was creative!

julie_joshb said...

okay now that u introduced me to matt and maddy's blog i too am ugly crying and obsessed with the blog. like i needed that! :)

Emily said...

That is really scary - no stalkers here. *shudder* I can't believe how calm you sound about it all!

Deb said...

I can not believe Vito lives in your neighborhood. I am jealous. I LOVE the Sopranos. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
I cannot believe the freak (stalker not Vito) sent you his sperm. Whackjob.
The only celeb I have ever met was Pauly Shore. I literally ran into him (yes I did mean to say literally) in a candle store here at the beach. Thank god his hands were not full cause he would have dropped everything. He was looking for something for his mom - sweet right?

I would love to give the hubby drugs and maybe if he ever does go to a doctor that's what will make this all seem a distant memory - cause it is crazy making I tell ya (for me). The up and down all night long, the absolute certainty that he is dying (even though every test known to mankind has been done with a negative result). UGH!

Away2me (Deanna) said...

Ew to the secret sauce being sent. Ew, ew, ew.

I had a crazy ex-boyfriend. Yep, locked up on a 72 hour hold after he broke into my apartment and jumped on to the hood of my girlfriend's car when we drove off.

He ended up tracking me down to my second place of residence so I moved 100 miles farther West and started my life all over again. That's been 15 years ago now and I've never heard from him since!

Lauren said...

I have a stalker story! I work retail, on a bad side of town, so we see our fair share of the crazies.

One in particular took a liking to me and a cashier. He someone how learned the phone numbers that linked directly to every phone in the store (I don't even have these numbers so I'm totally confused). I'd just be sitting there, waiting on customers and such, when the phone would ring.

"I can see you right now. You look so beautiful. I'm touching myself, do you like that?"

=O

He'd say "other" things as well, things I'd rather not repeat. Then he'd hang up and call again, saying he'd "see me later".

This went on for weeks and weeks. To the point where 3 guys would escort me to my car, I'd take alternate routes home, check my rear view mirror and totally freak out whenever the phone rang.

Eventually, our security department kinda figured out who it was (evidentally he'd done this at other stores) and quietly let him know that if it kept up he'd be arrested. They couldn't prove it was him or they would have arrested him. He stopped coming into the store and guess what? No more phone calls.

Ick... makes me sick just thinking of it.

graceling said...

I had a blog stalker, does that count?

Also, I've been a blog stalker, so maybe blog stalking doesn't count.

Betty M said...

Yukk! That is too too horrid. Nothing to give back I'm afraid though - no stalkers in my life.

Thank you for coming by my blog -much appreciated. You are my first blog by a fellow person with lupus.

Joanna said...

OMG. I cant believe this post. You have so many storied to tell!

First of all the guys yelling, "Its the gay Soprano". Poor Vito!! I feel so bad for him.

Next, for you to have a stalker is totally freaking scary. The whole "seman pocket" made me want to gag. The things these crazy people come up with.

Hopefully you never have to deal with him again.

julie_joshb said...

yeah like really sad. he is an amazing photographer. i cant believe how every shot is so perfect and amazing. u are too the best blogger! :)

Alyson & Ford said...

Different topic - You asked on our blog about "RQ". She is a Mom with her Chinese adopted daughter and posts all the rumors about China and referrals. It is great fun and anxiety to read about the latest issues with the long wait for a China adoption. Click on the link in our latest post (written by DH). RQ has been a huge resource of information and plenty of bloggy friends.

www.chinaadopttalk.com

Alyson LID 01/27/06 IA China
We are next!

Io said...

God. I feel so left out. I must go find me a stalker.

Suzanne said...

GROSS! I can't believe that is for real...really? GROSS! Glad he is behind bars and hope he stays there!

starsgoblue said...

OMG on the real life stalker. I am glad he's in prison.

Kerri said...

Hope your stalker is off the streets for a very long time.
Kerri and Ruby

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I saw your comment on alyson & fords blog...and I see that they pointed you in the right direction....there is a wealth of information within this site and most of the rumors are about China Adoptions, but their is a section for people adopting through other countries and Ethiopia is one of them.....it might benefit you to check it out! Just thought you might want that tid bit!


Lisa

Lost in Space said...

I am horrible with recognizing people, but one of my officemates has a huge list of celebrity sightings. We did see Geraldo at a hotel last year, but I'm not sure that counts. I was a huge Sopranos fan so I would love to shop at your store.

Semen?!? That is crazy!! I had a stalker ex-boyfriend in college. We had broken up and he moved 3 hours away, but would show up at my apartment waiting in the back alley or come knocking on my door at 3AM. I knew his hiding places and would park in the front and run to my door. He also liked to show up where I worked so I always had security walk me to my car. Sadly we went to school together from kindergarten through 12th grade.

I love the L.A. support group/blog group idea!

Ya Chun said...

Man, whatever happened to license plates? That guy has way to much time on his hands...and too much creativity.

PJ said...

Business Time is so funny! I'd seen it before, but he was just on stage singing. The "video" version is hilarious! Thanks for sharing!

Um... semen staple packet = so gross and creepy! I hope you NEVER have to deal with anything remotely like that again. Yuckkkkk!

MamaSoon said...

Holy cow. I can't believe what you lived through. That dude is wacked. I laughed but then again I shivered. Glad he's locked up and you're safe!

andrea said...

omg stalker and special packages huh? can't say i have ever experienced THAT... i do have an interesting story involving my husband (then boyfriend's), a roomate and my underware.... ya....

andrea said...

definatly connected!!

so the story - husband told me one day when i came over that he had found a pair of my underware that i had left there for 'safe keeping' in an odd place... like in front of the tv odd. and asked if i had moved them. i was like um, no!?! thought about it... then was like *shock* roommate did it! and was totally grossed out everytime i saw him from then on. freak-e!

(and ya you're right in the end it's totally worth it, hell in 3 weeks it will be, but today it sucks ass!)

Pepper said...

What a creeeeepy thing to do!

Mrs. R said...

Secret IS in the Sauce.. I am laughing my a** off right now. You are hysterical. A stalker, yikes.

I can't believe some guy was yelling at Vito! Especially when he had his baby with him.. not cool.

I run into celebs all summer long.. just hang out on Robertson for 5 minutes!

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

No stalker stories but I always always have mad man encounters!!!! GAH!

Oh, I see that you're a fan of matt, liz and madeline too! I M A HUGE FAN! he writes it so simply but tugs my heart all the time! He reminds me of my dad cuz i lost my mum when i was young...

Anyway, i love reading your stories and have mentioned about your blog on mine! I've tagged your blog...:)

JourneytoFamily said...

Uh, that is really nasty. I hope he stays in prison.

Yep, I had a stalker ex-boyfriend in college. Fortunately he lost track of me once I married and moved cross country. He doesn't even know my married name, so very little chance of him finding me now.

theclam said...

Loved the Soprano's!

I too had a stalker - someone I dated for a little while. He told me he loved me, started telling me not to wear V neck shirts, started pushing me around and that is when I put my foot down. I told him I no longer wished to date him and he went beserk. I used to work in the hotel industry and used to leave work really late at night, he would be standing by my car and would not let me get in until I talked to him, he got into my house once too and I found him sitting in my room. He threatened to kill me and anyone new I dated, I had to move house and change numbers and jobs. When he threw a coke bottle (glass) at my head and it shattered against the wall I got a restraining order. Not pleasant and still to this day when I see someone who looks like him my heart races...

theclam said...

Oh and semen pocket - EEEEUUUUWWWWW! Frigging Weirdo!

JamieD said...

OMG!! Not just a stalker, but a resourceful stalker with dedication!!

I know it isn't *really* funny, but is it okay if I laugh just a little bit?!?! Like sort of a shocked giggle?

Rebeccah said...

Oh boy, stalkers. I had one -- a guy I dated a few times who lived in another city all of a sudden found an apartment within a block of mine. I thought, well, that's, um, sweet. Then after I saw him a few more times, I realized, oh no, he's completely whacked. I stopped dating him, but he stalked me -- in person and online -- for another year before finally moving to Texas (where he continued to jab at me from time to time). At one point I actually had the phone company make tapes of the messages he left on my voicemail in case I needed them in court. Phew!

Rebecca said...

You might be THE most interesting person I've ever come in to contact with! I know it all has to be true, because who can make this stuff up?

I've had a couple of celebrity sightings. I actually have a CRAZY friend (who lives in LA now) that chased Sarah Jessica Parker's car down the street of NYC after the final production of The Producers in which Matthew Broderick starred. She actually chased her car down the road. She had it in her mind that SJP was rolling down the window to tell her something. Honestly. So, while I've never had a stalker, I have had a friend who was a stalker :)

Amber said...

I've never had any stalkers but I have stalked PLENTY of people. All they have to do is let me LOVE them. Why do they want to ruin everything?

Clearly I am kidding. Yes, I know that being stalked is no laughing matter. I have been stalked once. When I met the guy I totally sensed something was off (I can sooo smell the crazy from 50 feet. I quickly distanced myself but he knew people who knew me, found out where I worked. A few polite and firm rejections later I got a fax to my work about the world ending and only HE knew where to go to survive and enter into the next world and wanted me to go with him. Yeah, coo coo crazy...but I'll take a creepy fax over what got sent to you.

Sometimes I think it would be cool to turn the tables on them. Maybe they should sleep with a knife under their pillow once or twice. The hunter becomes the prey and all that.

shawna said...

I ahve never had a stalker. Does that make me lame? I was just here checking in on you.

Fiddle1 said...

Oh God, what a great post! I mean, not great that you have a horrific stalker, and that really is no laughing matter, but just a great, all around comment-generating post. First, I am actually watching the Sopranos on netflix for the first time, and I JUST saw the episode that revealed Vito is gay. I had to read further with trepidation in case there was any spoilers in the post (and I have skipped reading the other commments here in case there is). This is just a hazard of not having cable and watching all the good shows later on DVD's. Anywho, I love the show. My stomach protests though since all I want to do when I watch is eat Italian food.
Second, I am horrified at your experience, and I wonder how in the world you recovered from it and hopefully this person will never be paroled. How did your coworkers treat you after that? Did they joke about it or did they just let it drop? Third, I had a mild case of stalking to report. When I was little, I had visions that all "murderers" were long-haired, long-bearded men with aviator sunglasses (sorry to any of you out there that fit this description), and they all drove El Caminos. One day, when I was 8, I was riding my bike around the apartments where my mom and I lived and this El Camino drove along side me on the street going very slow. I was immediately afraid, and turned the bike to ride the other direction. The El Camino pulled into a drive and reversed back out, changing directions. I thought, "don't be silly A, you're just imagining it and he's just lost." But when I turned around again, and the El Camino turned around again, my little legs started pumping those pedals so fast, I zipped up into our patio and ran inside and slammed the door, locked it, and hid in my bedroom closet for about two hours. I never told my mom that until I was an adult, and I'll never forget it.

PJ said...

Yikes!! I'm glad you have a marvelous sense of humor. A real stalker in jail??? That would be a bit....I don't know.....OMG-ish!! Seeing the Soprano in the store -- what fun!!!

I'm not sure what I'd do with semen in the mail....plant it??? To see what comes up????

Nit said...

This gets my vote for "Post of the Day"...maybe even month!

Ok...so wait, you actually run into Vito? I love, love, love the Sopranos & am re-watching all of the episodes. I actually just finished the one where he got whacked. I can't believe someone yelled that in public! How rude & incredibly stupid!!!

Now, your stalker...wow, that is carazay! What did you do to the man to warrant such kindness? When I externed at the AG's office I had a guy who started calling & emailing me every day! Then he progressed to sending flowers & other small gifts. I was scared to death! Thankfully, he found another object of his affection!

Rebecca said...

O.k., this is frightening!

No stalker stories here, thank goodness.

megan said...

Oh My that is so gross!!! I've never had a stalker before, your story makes me glad I haven't. That must be super creepy!

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Oh God. That's beyond scary!

tryingtoconceive said...

Sometimes, I read your blog and I can't even believe its real. You knew Tim Russert, you had a real life stalker, and you keep running into Vito. And still, you find time to read my blog (little ol me)and leave me comments. Seriously?! How lucky am I?