Fair warning: I'm afraid I'm a bit of a "Debbie Downer" today. Wah Wah. Everyone sing along now . . .
You're enjoying your day
Everything's going your way
Then along comes Debbie Downer.
Always there to tell you 'bout a new disease
A car accident or killer bees
You'll beg her to spare you, "Debbie, Please!"
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!
If you don't watch "Saturday Night Live" and have no earthly idea what I'm talking about, check out the video here. I've never seen so many cast members (and guest host Lindsay Lohan) crack up in the middle of a sketch. Hysterical.
Anyway, we now return to our regularly scheduled (pathetically depressing) program . . .
I went to the doctor's office this morning for my CD 8 blood work and ultrasound. I've been on injectable hormones for 5 days so far. As of this morning, my AFC was down to four(!) and my follicles are not growing as quickly as they should. Wah Wah.
To top things off, my monster endometrioma continues to blow up like some horrible balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I don't think I've actually seen an "Ovarian Endometroid Cyst Balloon" in the parade. Yet. Hmmmmm . . . maybe I should write a letter. Also, I really need to come up with a name for the (not so) little bugger. Any ideas?? In case you need some inspiration, here's how I picture him (oh yes, the cyst is definitely a "him;" only a man could cause this much trouble):
My RE is allowing my IVF cycle to continue for now, but he did give me the dreaded donor egg (DE) speech. I am not 100% opposed to considering DEs, but I would prefer to adopt. (We will be adopting at least one child, regardless of whether or not we are able to conceive a biological child.) SM is anti-DE at the moment.
So, to sum things up, my ovaries don't work. And I haven't heard back from our adoption agency since we sent in our paperwork last week. All kinds of crazy scenarios are running through my mind: What if they reject us because of my lupus? What if they decide to close our international program to new families? What if I'm just not meant to have a child?
Maybe I'm overreacting because I'm all hopped up on IVF hormones. But I feel like I'm going crazy and I need someone to throw me a lifeboat.
Sorry to be so tediously self-indulgent today. If you don't mind, I'm gonna' go wallow in my hormone-fueled misery now. Wah Wah.
33 comments:
I have to believe that you are meant to be a mother -- it is a long road, and and awful road, but at the end of it is motherhood.
I believe it.
Pam
Ahh, that's a totally sucky day. A "no good, horrible rotten day" to quote my favourite children's book.
And to quote my other favourite childre's book, "Tomorrow is a fresh day, with no mistakes in it".
Hoping for a better tomorrow for you.
Well I totally don't blame you about whining. And I say go for it! Whine away on your blog.
Hope things get better.
While I'm sure the hormones aren't helping, you have a lot on your plate right now and I imagine it's hard to believe that anything is going to go right.
Hang in there, and whine away, everyone has to do it sometime.
Having just been the whinge queen myself for the last week I can contest that it really does make you feel better so feel free to wah wah away!
No need to apologize! I can imagine that you would want to rant some more, and I'm impressed at your ability to inject humor. It does sound like a bad day, hormones aside. I'm sorry about your low count, and I surely hope the adoption agency will get in touch with you pronto. Damn.
Thanks for stopping by my blog -- I'm returning the visit. Love your illustrations!! I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
Sorry for your bad day. I'm certain your hormones aren't making it any better. I firmly believe that those who are "just not meant to be a mother" will not have the desire to have children. It will happen... some way or the other, and it will be a beautiful day when you have your kids and realize your family is complete. (this coming from someone who suffered secondary infertility and is now on the "other side" with a complete family)
Oh DC, you complain all that you want. You've earned it.
I'm sorry you had such a shitty day. I'm here if you need me.
We all have down days sometimes...I hope tomorrow will be much better for you!
In the meantime, feel free to be Debbie Downer...such is the beauty of blogging. :)
So sorry you are having a bad day, but you are allowed!
I know what you are going through is so frustrating, keep your chin up my friend!
As for your adoption, I was the same way in the beginning, because I had to disclose my cancer history, the silence was horrible...I needed info pronto!
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you....this will all work out...I know it....Keep the Faith!
Lisa
I am an expert at wallowing - I recommend you do it with ice cream. I hope your ovaries get it together and the crazy calms down. ::hugs::
ITS THE HOROMONES WOMAN! GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF! (pretend I am shaking your shoulders and thrashing you back and forth) :) Dont let the meds take over your reality. I know it is so hard to be optimistic, but you do have alot going on. Give yourself a break and go to bed early tonight. Tomorrow will be a brand new day....
Go right ahead and be tediously self-indulgent. You've earned it at the very least.
I am so sorry you have a tough visit. On a side note, I really like your "postal" stamp. I might have to use that!
Go right ahead and be tediously self-indulgent. You've earned it at the very least.
I am so sorry you have a tough visit. On a side note, I really like your "postal" stamp. I might have to use that!
DC..I love ya and your blog and your whiny-ness. Feel free to "wah wah" away as much as you need to. Motherhood is meant to be a part of your life, in some way, and thats my two cents. Oh and FYI, part of my code to enter had the word "mom" in it..Coincedence?
Whining is meant for shitty days. I'm sorry things aren't going as you had hoped and I'm keeping everything crossed that your ovaries kick into gear and get those follicles growing. (Hugs)
As for the cyst, I'm thinking Floyd or Fat Bastard. I named my colon polyp Earl and totally agree that all these kinds of things are men. (:
Heck, I can't think of many people who wouldn't be whining after a crappy day, especially after five days of stims! I hope those follicles get the message and get to work.
BTW - I've heard that Menopur stings less if you let it sit for a few minutes after mixing. I did that today for about 3-4 minutes and it was fine.
If it's any consolation... I blame the hormones! I mean here we are, you on CD 9 and me on CD10 both losing our minds, that makes us a randomised control study right!? Yep, it's official, fertility hormones make you go crazy! Scientific fact!
Switch off the mind, it is not to be trusted...at all!
Diminished responsibility applies! Take advantage, before it's too late, it is said that sanity returns after the 2ww!
Pleas for flowers and other indulgences are totally called for, ride the wave...while it lasts!
We just submitted our on-line application to Gladney w/ photo on Saturday the 7th. Just read someone's blog lamenting that Gladney is no longer making referrals for Ethiopia? Did further internet searching and stumbled on your bad day and seriously cried laughing, first at the title of your blog and explanation for said title, then at your Debbie Downer post. Since my lap surgery two months ago to remove a prize-winning, "float"-sized endometrioma as well as other bad endo all over, I've needed a laugh. I'm 30 and also an attorney, hoping to become a mom one day! Good luck w/ IVF (something we may tackle at some point, but more than likely not) and your adoption from Ethiopia. I'm calling Gladney tomorrow to get the scoop on the "investigation".... Heather www.suttonbuckley.blogspot.com
DC - you are amazing.
I couldn't see Debbie Downer wah I will try again later.
Sending you strength and hope in what is and has been a difficult time.
Hope the eggs respond.
Sorry my friend,but all is not lost just yet. Will be praying for a huge improvement!
Ahhh sorry you are having a bad day, but don't apologize for 'whining'. It helps to get it out sometimes.
prayin for better news.
I whine on the blog all the time. It's what it's there for. If I talked about DI and adoption as much as I would like I'd drive my husband crazy.
The Lupus thing. We told our old adoption agency about my MS. Since we've been unsuccessful w/DI I've been seriously considering rerturning to adoption (my husband is not as interested until we exhaust all the ART options). Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to say anything at all. I could go to a new GP and he would have no clue I have MS since I am not disabled AT ALL. Is that dishonest? Yup, but since we were burned by a birth mother scam and a bad adoption agency I don't have the same high morals that I did a few years ago. I guess my point is that you need to remember adoption is a business like anything else and the adoption agency wants your adoption to go through. How else would they earn their profits? Your Lupus should NOT be an issue. According to our old adoption agency a medical condition is only an issue if it shortens your life span. I do know of one girl who has rheumatoid arthritis and she adopted from Russia successfully twice. At the old agency there was a successful MS adoption from Russia. She told me her doctor sort of glossed over her medical condition because 3rd world countries don't really understand. This was really long winded...sorry.
That sucks. I'm really sorry that your ovaries aren't cooperating like they are supposed to. Hang in there! I truly believe that everything will happen exactly how it's supposed to.
As for you little "friend", I saw the picture an immediately thought of the name Bert. Don't know why. I agree that it's a man too though.
That's so frustrating when your body doesn't do what you want it to do! I feel your pain.
Mr. PJ is totally against donor sperm. He won't even discuss it. So yea, I feel your pain.
Because, this is all about ME, right? LOL!
I hope you get better news in the coming days. Keep us posted.
Vent away- sometimes it's the only thing that helps.
You definitely are meant to have a family. Whether it's through IVF or adoption. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you.
PS- I love Debbie Downer. And I tagged you too.
DC- No worries about Gladney! They are def. continuing with the Ethiopia program. One of my friends on the WL is Type 1 Diabetic which caused other agencies to reject her, but Glandney accepted her... Your time is comimg. Just keep in mind that Gladney is busy with all of us Ethiopia (wait list) peeps whining to them! They will get back to you!
Congratulations on you pursuing adoption. You will make a great Mom. Love reading your blog.
Alyson LID 01/27/06 IA China
Please don't feel you need to apolegize for your feelings. It seems the road to parenthood can be long, hard and full of uncertainties. It's so not fair!
BTW, just emailed you "The Call Questions".
Tonyia
sorry you're having a sucky time of it :(
fwiw, I didn't hear back from the agency for weeks after we sent in our information form. I actually had to call and ask "Hey, so...didja get it?"
they had, were very apologetic, and we got a response just a few days later.
it never hurts to call :)
Sure hope you're feeling better and things are getting better too. thinking of you..xoxoxox
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